Category: the Rant Board
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you just hate being you? Well, I am having one of those days and it sucks!!! It all started off when I met this guy a few years ago. Let's just call him Guy for now. Guy and I became friends and my parents objected to it. They didn't like him because of his nationality. I thought that was really unfair and tried harder to keep our friendship strong. We then became lovers and it was hell living at home!!! I got beaten up by my parents for going out with him without their permission and every time Guy called, my parents would yell at him and tell him never to call their daughter again. Meaning me. Well, as time went on, we fell more and more in love. My parents even canceled our home phone for 3 months to keep us apart. But that didn't stop our love for each other. We just wrote letters everyday and recorded tapes to each other instead. Last year, I finally saved up enough money to get a cell phone and for a couple of days, it made life easier. But then my mom found out about the cell and she beat the shit out of me. She tried to take my phone away and break it but I wouldn't let her. When she finally left me alone, I called Guy and told him that I was going to run away. I was going to call my best friend and live with her. We both had talked it over and she had said that it wouldn't be a problem. However, Guy said that he could take me in and he was sure his parents wouldn't mind. Needless to say, I left to live with him and his parents did mind a lot. But by then it was too late!!! My parents wanted us to get married because it was against our culture to live together without being married. However, to get married, Guy had to come up with $5000 to give to my parents for a dowry. His parents were like: "Hell no! $5000 for a blind girl! No way!" Now doesn't that make you feel loved? Well, Guy then went to the bank and asked for a loan. Surprisingly, he was approved. When the money order came, we were at a summer program and couldn’t go to his house to get it. When the program was over with, we went to his house and his parents informed us that they had canceled the loan. Guy had a signature stamp and he had stupidly left it in plain sight in his room for his unfeeling family to use. When Guy told his father that he had ruined his life, his father and step-mom kicked him out and told him never to come back. We went back and appealed to my parents. At first they were mad but then they calmed down enough to let us stay at their place. Luckily, the next day was the first of August and we were hoping to use our SSI checks to pay my parents. But Guy’s family beat us to it. They had emptied Guy’s account of $600 using his ATM card and Guy couldn’t do anything about it. My parents were very angry with Guy for not wanting to press charges and asked him to leave. But where could Guy go? I didn’t feel right to just let him go like that. I was welcome to stay but all that we fought for that summer would just go down the drain. So I left my parents’ house with him again. All I could hear was the sound of my own sobbing and my father cursing every sickness and bad luck to befall us. We stayed at a motel for the month of August with the help of friends. I moved in on campus and Guy rented out and apartment in his hometown to be able to finish up his last year of high school. However, in the motel, things had happened between the two of us that had changed our views of each other. We had become violent and our perfect love was spoiled. It started out with just him slapping me across the face whenever he got mad at me. But gradually, it began to get worse. I remember the first time I hit him back. I was so angry with him and I just lost all my control. Because I retaliated, he got even angrier with me. There was a lot of verbal abuse going on too and it just wasn’t the same anymore. I became more and more depressed. The man I left my family for wasn’t what I had hoped for and I could feel that his love for me was waning. We got an apartment and I moved off campus. Things just kept getting worse. Guy would lie to me about the dumbest things. I got very angry with him when I found out about him lying to me. I was always a truthful girl and couldn’t understand why he would lie about such stupid things. But then he would lie about not lying! It’s so frustrating! Women are pretty good at figuring things out and I am not that dense! I love him so much but I am so sad! We’ve been going together on and off and when things are going well between us, it’s so good! But when things are bad, it’s horrible! We only have each other now and it seems so sad that things are going so badly. Yesterday was our one year anniversary of me moving in with him and he didn’t even acknowledge it. Why are guys so heartless sometimes? I am so depressed right now. If I do leave him for good then how can I live? He comes home every weekend and I wouldn’t be able to see him if we broke up. How can you leave someone who’s gone through so much with you?
Well, it's your life and your decission. Personally I wouldn't stay a second with anyone that slapped me, I feel I'm worth more than that. And if things have dteriorated this far and he basically got the idea now that he can do whatever he wants and you won't stand up to him things are only going to get worse.
initially I thinik your parents' reaction was a bit harsh but, well, they did help you a lot despite their initial misgivings. There are just a little too many bad or uncareful coincidences in this for me to really believe that you are ever going to be happy with him. But of course I only see this account here and no background info or his view of the world. I istll simply have to say that you need to pluck up the courage, pick up the pieces and move on on your own, else you'll never be happy.
Best of luck.
cheers
-B
<hugs> girl I went through just about the same thing. Only difference is "guy" cheated on me with a model. <smile> I hate him for that, but still love him so much. We no longer talk and it's something that I just have to come to terms with now. And in a sense, I'm grateful for him cheating on me, cause it ended our relationship finally. Now, I'm free of all his lies, threats, verbal abuse, etc. If it had been up to me, I think I would have still been living with him, even though I was miserable. Maybe it's your time to take the initiative and get out of the relationship? I know it's hard, girl I couldn't even do it, but I think you're strong and you need to maybe be by yourself a while and learn that you don't "need" him to survive. YOu'll miss him and love him like craazy, I totally know that, but sometimes it's just time to say enough is enough. <hugs> if you ever want to talk, you can find me here or on messengers. I wish you the best.
you know if i was you i'd say "hey parents you're just bieng judgmental stop it" and contingue our friendship.
woh! man that's some story! I agree with WB here, I personally don't think I could stay with someone who is violently abusive like that! I mean I say I can't understand people for loving them anyway, but at the same time love can be so blind and do such strange things to people! .. but woh this story is terrible! I guess you shouldn't jump into any further committment yet cos it definitely sounds like you still don't know him enough for that! I mean, if, after so long you didn't realize he could be so violent, then it would be safe to say you still couldn't know the real him entirely. just don't rush into anything. I'd even go so far as say that I personaly don't believe you're in a good relationship and you should try and leave. I'm sure your parents would understand if you really sat down on the phone or something and had a real good talk to them and tell them that you just need to get out and come home.
in any case, best of luck with all this! stay safe and try to put yourself in positive situations! Be well! :)
Well, I want to thank you all for replying to this post. I am just feeling in the depths of despair and didn't know where to turn. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. You know, we both grew up in violent families and it's really hard. Do you have any suggestions on what we should do? We know we have a problem and it's really hard to ask for help but I know that I myself want to keep the relationship strong but this can not go on. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks.
*sexy*
Sexy listen pal I have some 2nd hand experience of abuse you say grew up in a violent family, so in a way you have almost come to see this behaviour as normal..but the disturbing thing is you are repeating a trend and this has to end here..there will be no such thing as a strong relationship, because the violence will only increase until you end up battered in hospital on a regular basis..it's heartbreaking as you love the bampot but you need to GET OUT and do it now, before he starts breaking your bones or worse.....if this sounds pompous then ignore it but don't come back and say you weren't warned
Goblin is right SG, if you don’t leave now, it could get a whole lot worse, what’s next, a punch? A kick? Ending up in hospital? And if you get married do you really want to have the children of someone who can do those sort of things to their mother? Love and respect go hand in hand, and if he can hit you then he doesn’t respect you, and if he doesn’t respect you, then in reality, he doesn’t love you. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but it’s the way it is. Noone should ever raise their hand to their partner, not ever, there are no exceptions, and no one should ever have to stand by and be physically or emotionally abused. If he loves you, then he will do the right thing and walk away and let you get on with your life and he will go and get help for anger management. You deserve so much better, and the only way to get that is to get out of the situation you are in and move on and eventually, find someone who can treat you how you deserve to be treated. And if he won't let you go, then you need to leave of your own acord. there are organizations that can help you get back on your feet, if you are in college then they will have a councellor who can help you .. Good luck.
For once in my life, I totally agree with Goblin here, too! Any guy that would raise his hand in anger against the person he says he loves, obviously is saying one thing, and demonstrating another. Honestly, you really have to come up off some of that emotion, and get out of there. The guy got what he wanted, and you see what he's doing with hit, and that obviously proves he has no respect for you, or your love for him, and don't use your violent upbringing as the crutch either, because that really isn't the way it should be! I'm really sorry you're going through what you are.
Well I told you how I felt in private SG but the last 3 were right! grin you know it's got to be something serious if sb and gob agree on something, I hope you can get out of there this doesn't sound in the least bit healthy! and you can do better
yep SG totally agree. maybe you need to go seek counsilling you know! and yep SB and goblin agreeing on this must be tellin ya something huh?! Lol .. seriously if you're looking for advice on the matter, this is the best you're gonna get.
<agrees with goblin>
oh man, I just read back on that "seeking counsilling" comment and realized how bad that sounded. I actually, for the record meant that most sincerely. wasn't throwing an insult as it may have looked given the context. no way would I ever do that! I seriously meant it might help you to get an outside persons perspective.
sorry again. best of luck SG. please keep us posted! *hugs*
Hey sexygurl86, I just read your topic and it almost made me cry. It just makes me wonder where the love is in this world. I can not say more than just I will pray for you that your relationship lasts and gets better.
Big hugs
Ines.
I think that if you've both acknowledged that you have a problem, and you both want help, then you should try to get it. Who knows then after a while things may start working between you both. You've both got bad pasts and I think that the way you're treating each other is the culmination of your pasts. I don't know what cultural background you have, but I agree with his parents, he shouldn't have paid for a mariage. You shouldn't consider getting married to appease your parents. I think you should have both adopted his parents position on the matter. If I want to marry my girlfriend and she wants to marry me we can do it. You're in the US. It's not Pakistan or somewhere like that! However, as you are, what ever happens, you should make sure you've got somewhere to go before you leave him which isn't your parents. You were right to resist their aggression, and kit seems you defended yourself as much as is possible. YOu both worked very hard. When parents behave like that, you need to stand up fopr yourselves and take action. Diplomacy is not the answer and I know from experience that direct action is always the solution. I wish you both look but both of you must work hard to sort this out, not just one. If you just leave him even though he has told you he wants to be better and he wants help, then that's not going to do him any good and will probably affect his next partner if he gets one. As for you, well you don't strike me as the type who gives up. You've dealt with your parents, you can handle this and sort this out if you seak the necessary help. You don't need to give up, so I hope you'll both try to make things better between you.
People like that never change because they lack the maturity, and the courage to admit their part in the abuse also their crippling insecurity prevents them from seeking help..he's a lost cause and better off in jail inevitably that is where the eejit will end up..